I'm not sure what to think or what to feel in this situation. Everything is so old to me and yet so new. And he feels so familiar. I've been wasting the past days away continuously scrolling through the Ask Men section of reddit looking for just a smidgen of insight into what this could possibly be. That's the thing about relationships and college. When it hits...it doesn't, not really. All of these feelings bubble up and the sex is spectacular and then you realize you've fallen hard for a guy you met less than a week ago who lives more than an hour away from you and the Spring semester is ending in less than a month. And you're stuck. Because you haven't been held the way he holds you in practically over a year. And the way he kisses your nose and squeezes you so tight all of the air leaves your body makes you feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or a rock and a hard dick. 

Aside from the cuddles, yea, it's the best sex I've had in my life. There's nothing lacking in that department. But what if I want more? Is that too much to ask in a culture that thrives on the promise of drunken Friday nights and one night stands. And I'm not saying I'm against the hookup culture--not at all. I've had my fair share of Eiffel Towers and accidental anal probing. But there comes a time when all you want is that one person to call your own. 

But at the same time, I don't really need to put myself in this position. To get hurt again. To say that I have trust issues would be an understatement and nobody can help. Because it's 12:39 am and he still hasn't texted me today. Which sounds so typical girl of me. But you'd know, right? You'd know if a guy has the kind of feelings for you that we girls dream of. 

And maybe I don't have feelings for him. The fake laughing at his jokes is at full force these days (funny saying these days when yea I've only known him for a week ha ha ha like is this my life). But this guy (lets call him Jake) is the closest I've had to a "real" college relationship. And the closest I've come to multiple orgasms during one round of sex. And at this point I'm not sure---if I let this go for fear of getting hurt in the long run---if I'll miss him, or the feeling of just having SOMEONE, anyone...or just the sex. And honestly the two latter options would be my best guess.

The world Jake and I exist in is make believe. We don't exist outside of the bedroom and I'm not okay with it. Sure, I can pretend for a couple of hours or a night that he's mine and I can sustain off of forehead kisses, loving looks into each others eyes, and rough, hot sex but when he's gone, it's gone. And I was happy but now I'm not. Because maybe some times I'd like to get out of the bedroom. Maybe sometimes I'd like to not feel like a dog locked up in a cage. And maybe sometimes I'd like to not just have sex. 

I mean like yea I always want to have sex but that's not the point.

I'd like to not be EXPECTED to have sex. And I don't know where to go from here. 

Tomorrow's Friday and following the typical college stereotype it can probably be assumed I'll be fucking someone tomorrow night. Whether it will be Jake is to be determined. Do I really want to live in this state of make believe until it's eventually ripped from my hands in no more than 4 weeks and the promise of a dry, barren summer?

But I saw whiskey dick David today and he was looking pretty good. The last time we had sex he came in 30 seconds, doggy style. Maybe I'll hit him up tomorrow night. I'm willing to undergo a night of shitty sex if it will make me feel less attached to Jake. 

Fuck away the feelings.

-Nina